Terror Toons (2002)

Don’t ever watch this.

I was recently asked to write a negative review for once. My reviews are positive not because I like everything but because I only write about things that I do like. Bad reviews for me wouldn’t be worth the effort. However, there is one film that is so bad, and I am so pissed at having rented it, that I decided to write about it. That movie is Terror Toons.

So some assclown thought it’d be a good idea for a horror movie to have cartoon characters come to life and kill people. Evidently, I thought that would be a pretty good concept too because I rented this movie. I looked at the box and read the description, saw it was from “Brain Damage Studios” and I still rented it, so I fully admit I deserve the monetary loss for being a complete fucking idiot.

I wasn’t expecting anything on the level of “Who Framed Roger Rabbit?” or “Cool World” but I would have at least settled for something like “Evil Toons”. What I got was some crackheads dressed up in cheap-ass Halloween costumes rented out from a local party store.

Dr. Carnage, I think is this guys name.

You know a movie has problems when it starts off with some guy who looks like a rejected Exploited fan who hasn’t changed his personal style since 1985 comes on the screen and tells you an entire summary of the film. Seriously, he tells EVERYTHING that is going to happen.

And somehow, it still manages to go downhill from there…

The “terror toons” live in the “cartoon world” which is nothing more than a blue screen with some animated MS Word 97 clip art thrown up on it to make it look “animated”. The cartoon is produced by Satan and sent out on DVDs to unsuspecting people. Well, at least one part of this movie comes across as authentic, I was unsuspecting of this suckage and firmly believe something this horrible could only come from Hell. Anyways, a DVD of the “terror toons” is sent to some girl who is supposed to be 12 years old but is obviously a busted ass porno actress. I’m not sure if they are pedophiles or if they thought this casting would be funny. The girl tries to play it like a little kid but she ends up coming across as autistic.

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She is checking to see if they are real.

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Cheap as it looks.

I ended up basically fast forwarding through the movie to see if it got any better. It didn’t. The terror toons finally kill the retarded chick, then start to kill her sister’s friends, before her sister ends up turning into a super-heroine and kicking their ass. I’m all for sexy superheriones, but this chick is rather uninspired and unappealing; which can be said of everything else in this movie.

So you’re asking yourself probably why did I rent this in the first place? Well, I had been on a low-budget horror kick for a while after having seen “Slashers”, an independent production that rose beyond the trappings of it’s budget by having a smart script and a director who knew what the fuck he was doing. Also, I like Full Moon movies (Dollman, Puppet Master, Demonic Toys…) and I figured that “Terror Toons” could fill the void left over from when Full Moon quit making good movies. I could not have been more wrong.

I ended up taking the movie back to Blockbuster a few hours after having rented it. I explained to the guy at the counter “Yeah, this movie is bad, I want to get another”. He said “Ok, just go get another copy of it and I’ll check it out for you”. I was like “Naw, man! The DVD is GOOD. The movie ON it is BAD.” He told me they couldn’t help me with that. I told him to put the movie back on the shelf then and walked out.

I did some research about this horrible movie a few years later and found out that it was filmed over a weekend for $3,000. I suppose I shouldn’t be too hard on them for that. With a budget that low and DVD releasing as big as it got, it couldn’t help but turn a profit. Which I hope is the only thing that they were hoping to do here. Unfortunately they made enough money to warrant a sequel, which I am masochistic enough to perhaps see at some point. Maybe they made enough money off the first and the director some experience under his belt to make a competently made film.

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Can’t be any worse than the first…

I wouldn’t hold my breath though.

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3 Comments

  1. I hope writing a negative review was fun for you, because it sure as hell is fun to read!

  2. Oh god, the horror. So bad. So evil. And your review is hysterical.


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