X-Box 360 is a Tool of Satan Used to Bring Torment to God’s Children

In 2009, I finally had the money to afford a flat screen tv and an X-Box 360. This was a happy time in my life and I look back on it fondly. I spent many, many hours, saving the galaxy as various Commander Sheppard’s on the then exclusive game series Mass Effect. As you may know, the series is based on freedom of choice in the morality of your character. It’s a Choice your Own Adventure type style of branching storytelling, that the player crafts over many hours of gameplay. I have logged in over 100 + hours of time on the Mass Effect trilogy.

All of that was ruined this past Sunday afternoon.

As you may (or may not) know, there was an outcry of school children over the ending to Mass Effect 3 because their simpleton minds couldn’t comprehend what BioWare was putting down, so now they have an expanded ending coming out this Tuesday that spoon feeds the children who are too intellectually lazy to understand it the first go-round. I have no problems with this, the ending isn’t changed, and it shouldn’t be, and it would be cool to see what happens with various surviving crew mates.

I will never get to see this.

In preperation for this event, I had been playing Mass Effect 3 this weekend for the first time since (New York) April. I cut the game off Sunday morning to go grab some lunch. Upon my return I decided to play a round of multi-player to kill a little bit of time. Ok, sounds like fun right? I turn the machine on, and it loads up the game up until the point before the title screen comes up.

I think this is a fluke, so I cut the machine off, and on again.

The same results.

I try this about fifteen more times, take the disc out, wipe it off, and put it back in.


I open the tray again, take the disc out, blow into the machine like it was an NES, put the disc back in, and close the tray.

Still won’t load the title screen.

I decide to try to wipe the disc off again. As am I looking at the brand new disc that should not need to be wiped off, I notice that the 360 has carved three perfectly placed half circle scars at key points on the disc as part of some demonic ritual.

It was at this point I started to unplug the machine and was 10 seconds away from smashing it into the wall like Jason did that one chick’s face in Friday the 13th part 6: The New Blood, but luckily my girlfriend stops me, talking sense into me, telling me that I should trade it in, or at least keep until to keep streaming Netflix. She is right, of course.

It’s funny because all this week me and the mysterious J.P. Thorn have been talking smack to each other about which is the better system with him being firmly pro-PS3, and trying to win me over. We had some really epic conversations about this on Saturday, quoting scientific studies from various universities about the pros and cons of each, with the biggest con that the PS3 can turn a person into a homosexual, but the 360 is like a broken elevator.

It turns out the latter study is proven correct! He also had the ritualistic scarring happen to a 360 he had as well. And he’s not the only one. Check this out:


According to Microsoft, decreasing the disk rotation would take too much time to load a game and bumpers in the disk tray would cost 25 cents per console—a total of about 11 million dollars and a delay of the Xbox release. In 2005, they were accused of many technical Xbox 360 problems and a poor lack of solutions and warranty. According to reports in news media the new Xbox 360 S still scratches disks when the console is moved while spinning the disk, however the 360 S ships with a sticker informing users that moving the console while powered on risks this.”

1) A company that charges a monthly fee for online usage is complaining about not wanting to spend a fucking quater on a problem they knew of before the system’s release and still have NOT fixed. Their negilience just ruined a $60 video game.

2) The console was stationary the entire time. I picked up the WIRELESS controller and used it to fire up the system. This whole thing is bullshit.

So now, I’m going to trade this devil machine in to get a PS3. I was turned off of the PS3 because of problems with the two PS2’s that I have owned. One, I got at launch, crapped out three years after owning it. The other one I have to beat like it owes me money in order to get it to keep loading the stupid games up right. Be that as it may, I am not going to give the 360 another red cent of my money. If they can’t fucking spend a quater to make their shit work right, FUCK THEM.

I’m heading for the land of Metal Gear Solid 4, Heavy Rain, and Little Big Planet, at the expense of my entire 360 gaming library. I’m very frustrated by this. Not only do I lose years worth of Mass Effect characters, I am also having to part with my Skryim character, right at the time with the new DLC is coming out.

Luckily, I have a little bit of money saved up which I can use along with the trade in of all the 360 bullshit and score a new PS3 rather easily. I am not happy with any of this though, I have to build the gaming library from scratch and loose all the saves of everything I had. I could care less about the gamer score, which does nothing more but to show people how big of a loser you are by spending all your time playing video games, but the game saves….so much lost.

This is truly a dark day. But, behold, the dawn cometh! Time to catch up with an old friend…




  1. I LOVE this post because it is so full of truth. I really hope you get that PS3 (MGS4 will be in the mail as soon as you do). Microsoft from day one has been ripping people off. Not only is it the ONLY gaming platform on earth that charged you to be able to do basic online gaming, but also, the one that gave you fuck all out the box, and if you wanted basic shit like wi-fi, storage, and the ability to watch movies in TRUE HD, you had to go and spend extra money on peripherals. Not to mention the dinosaur concept of using regular batteries to power their controller is also pathetic as hell, no matter how awesome ( I admit) their controller pad design is.

    For the first couple of years the 360 could definitely boast of having the superior game library but this is by far no longer the case anymore and hasn’t been for I would say at least two years now.

    All the stuff I just pointed out doesn’t even go into just how Shitty the system was built and how rushed it was into the market just to get a head start on Sony. To this day I am flabbergasted at how tolerant so many legions of 360-heads are towards all the red rings of deaths and problems with the console. Like you said, I also had the problem of my 360 scratching the hell up out of my game discs. There is absolutely NO excuse that something like this should happen. Microsoft has laughed all the way to the bank this generation. The new gen is not so far away. Hopefully in the upcoming gen, Microsoft fixes all their cheap ass ways and so far, I’m not confident in them to deliver a superior gaming machine; it seems like they are overly focused on Kinect and non-gaming bullshit. Fuck them. I will stick with Sony from now on.


      • I tried!

    • NGA PLZ! I meant in 2009, why didn’t you warn me, OMG!!! Last WEEK is too late!

  2. i have both, but I didn’t pay for them myself

    ps3 has some better exclusives but really shitty online

    xbox 360 has some good exclusives, better multiplatform games and better online. the elite version also has none of the old 360 problems.

    just saying from an unbiased pov

    • The need for there to even be an improved edition of the 360 for a problem they should have solved before launch to is too inexcusable for me to even consider to give them any more money; they already screwed me out of enough.

      • Just because the playstation network is free for basic online gaming does not make it inferior, and to call it “Shitty” is a flat out exageration. It may have had its issues in the past but so has xbox live if I’m not mistaken, and that’s not a free service. If a superior online experience means playing Halo online with a bunch of swearing prepubescent teens, count me out.
        Bottom line is Microsoft from the beginning tried the cheap approach, and to their credit, it paid off, but at the expense of their customers who have been ripped off with shoddy hardware and fleeced with having to buy overpriced accesories. Seriously, they couldn’t have included a hard drive in all their units? No excuse for that shit. When I had a 360 I felt like a total ass when i bought an overpriced WiFi adapter. I know the newer units took care of a lot of that, but still, it took them forever to get with the times.

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